I'll just jump right into this one.
Back when I was about 15 I started having what I know now to be panic attacks. At the time I just thought I was dying. Truly. I remember I had my first one on the school bus. So, now, public transportation of ANY kind is a huge obstacle for me.
Anyway, I continued to have them, well, forever. Because I still have them. That's 22 years of unnecessary adrenalin pumping through my veins, washing over my body and saturating my heart. This cannot be good for my health. At first the panic attacks came infrequently, but they progressed to being daily in my early 20's. At one point I was almost housebound for a year or so. Going out to get my mail was an accomplishment, walking my dog around the block was almost always a failure, and grocery shopping was impossible. Due to my emet, when I have panic attacks, I am unable to eat, so throughout my 20's and early 30's, I was exceptionally thin. Like, accused-of-having-an-eating-disorder thin. I went from a curvy, healthy, slightly plump weight of 120-125 down to a skeletal 92 in a few short months. In my mid-20's I was FINALLY diagnosed with panic attacks and depression and put on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications. They helped immensely and I was able to function much better in the world.
Which brings us to now......well, last year really. Being on daily medications for 13 years was taking its toll on me mentally and physically. I was always tired. And not just tired, but genuinely fatigued. To the point that some afternoons I was physically unable to keep my eyes open. My children got used to seeing me in bed. ALL the time. I also had gained 20 (yes TWENTY!) pounds over the last 2 years. I decided I had to go off the anti-depressant and see if that would alleviate the fatigue, help me lose weight and give me my life back! I talked to my doctor and very slowly weaned myself off of the AD over a period of 6-8 weeks. In a very short amount of time I started having more energy! I even hired a personal trainer to start working out to try to lose that weight. I had pretty much stopped having regular panic attacks and therefore was eating very well and was in no danger of anyone thinking I had an eating disorder....unless it was overeating ;-) I had completely stopped my AD in April and decided in May that I wanted to wean myself off the anti-anxiety med which I had taken every single day for the last 13 years. (I had previously went off the AD several times over the 13 year period I was on it). I wanted to see how I could cope without any medication. Like a normal person. Again, I talked to my doctor and very slowly weaned myelf off the anti-anxiety medication and was med free by July. Yay me!
Things went well for quite a few months. In late December/early January I was feeling a bit depressed, but weathered it and attributed it to the winter blahs. There is always a chance I will have to go back on them, but for now I'm ok.
Now, for the anti-anxiety meds.....I'm not so sure I am doing well off of them. Back in the early winter I realized I was having more panic attacks, and closer together. And, even worse, my panic attacks were manifesting themselves in what I refer to as 'episodes' wherein I typically wake up in the middle of the night and a panic, thinking I am sick, and I fight getting sick for hours until I collapse into a phenergan induced coma. Then I am unable to eat for days.......and sometimes-- like today- these episodes come on out of the clear blue in the middle of the day....
I am just so exhausted. A couple weeks ago I decided to start taking my anti-anxiety every other evening to see if it will reduce or eliminate (or at least reduce the severity of!) my panic episodes. When these episodes come on, I usually start out feeling fidgity and progressing to feeling like I am coming out of my skin. In the midst of them, I also feel deeply depressed and wonder how I am supposed to get through life having to endure these things over and over and over and over and over and over again :-( And at this point, I cannot understand how I will. It's depressing, honestly. And exhausting. The episodes can progress to me feeling like I'm going to throw up for several hours and I typically must take some of my anti-anxiety meds and some phenergan in order to survive them. I admit that each one I go through makes me want to die. It remains to be seen if the addition of the anti-anxiety meds on an every-other-night basis will help with reducing/preventing/reducing the severity of the episodes.
But I pray that it will. Otherwise I will have to go back on my anti-depressant and go back into hibernation for the rest of my life :(
This was a very depressing post. I'm sorry!
Back when I was about 15 I started having what I know now to be panic attacks. At the time I just thought I was dying. Truly. I remember I had my first one on the school bus. So, now, public transportation of ANY kind is a huge obstacle for me.
Anyway, I continued to have them, well, forever. Because I still have them. That's 22 years of unnecessary adrenalin pumping through my veins, washing over my body and saturating my heart. This cannot be good for my health. At first the panic attacks came infrequently, but they progressed to being daily in my early 20's. At one point I was almost housebound for a year or so. Going out to get my mail was an accomplishment, walking my dog around the block was almost always a failure, and grocery shopping was impossible. Due to my emet, when I have panic attacks, I am unable to eat, so throughout my 20's and early 30's, I was exceptionally thin. Like, accused-of-having-an-eating-disorder thin. I went from a curvy, healthy, slightly plump weight of 120-125 down to a skeletal 92 in a few short months. In my mid-20's I was FINALLY diagnosed with panic attacks and depression and put on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications. They helped immensely and I was able to function much better in the world.
Which brings us to now......well, last year really. Being on daily medications for 13 years was taking its toll on me mentally and physically. I was always tired. And not just tired, but genuinely fatigued. To the point that some afternoons I was physically unable to keep my eyes open. My children got used to seeing me in bed. ALL the time. I also had gained 20 (yes TWENTY!) pounds over the last 2 years. I decided I had to go off the anti-depressant and see if that would alleviate the fatigue, help me lose weight and give me my life back! I talked to my doctor and very slowly weaned myself off of the AD over a period of 6-8 weeks. In a very short amount of time I started having more energy! I even hired a personal trainer to start working out to try to lose that weight. I had pretty much stopped having regular panic attacks and therefore was eating very well and was in no danger of anyone thinking I had an eating disorder....unless it was overeating ;-) I had completely stopped my AD in April and decided in May that I wanted to wean myself off the anti-anxiety med which I had taken every single day for the last 13 years. (I had previously went off the AD several times over the 13 year period I was on it). I wanted to see how I could cope without any medication. Like a normal person. Again, I talked to my doctor and very slowly weaned myelf off the anti-anxiety medication and was med free by July. Yay me!
Things went well for quite a few months. In late December/early January I was feeling a bit depressed, but weathered it and attributed it to the winter blahs. There is always a chance I will have to go back on them, but for now I'm ok.
Now, for the anti-anxiety meds.....I'm not so sure I am doing well off of them. Back in the early winter I realized I was having more panic attacks, and closer together. And, even worse, my panic attacks were manifesting themselves in what I refer to as 'episodes' wherein I typically wake up in the middle of the night and a panic, thinking I am sick, and I fight getting sick for hours until I collapse into a phenergan induced coma. Then I am unable to eat for days.......and sometimes-- like today- these episodes come on out of the clear blue in the middle of the day....
I am just so exhausted. A couple weeks ago I decided to start taking my anti-anxiety every other evening to see if it will reduce or eliminate (or at least reduce the severity of!) my panic episodes. When these episodes come on, I usually start out feeling fidgity and progressing to feeling like I am coming out of my skin. In the midst of them, I also feel deeply depressed and wonder how I am supposed to get through life having to endure these things over and over and over and over and over and over again :-( And at this point, I cannot understand how I will. It's depressing, honestly. And exhausting. The episodes can progress to me feeling like I'm going to throw up for several hours and I typically must take some of my anti-anxiety meds and some phenergan in order to survive them. I admit that each one I go through makes me want to die. It remains to be seen if the addition of the anti-anxiety meds on an every-other-night basis will help with reducing/preventing/reducing the severity of the episodes.
But I pray that it will. Otherwise I will have to go back on my anti-depressant and go back into hibernation for the rest of my life :(
This was a very depressing post. I'm sorry!
posted by Carey @ 4:33 PM
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