Reflections....

So tonight is premier night for a ton of TV shows I watch. One is The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It's about this 15 year old girl who gets pregnant. On tonight's episode, she marries her high school sweetheart......and they elope to do it. It took me back 19 years to when I married Chuck in the Mayor's court of the City of Englewood on May 18, 1990. Looking back....I realize I was so young, so naive. I think I've become jaded. Anytime I see really young people getting married I think, uh-oh, that can't last. I know, it's not nice, but it's what I think. Probably because I've taken the plunge five times. That is not a typo. And I was actually engaged (with a ring!) at least 3 additional times. I dunno, I guess I'm addicted to love. Or engagement rings ;-)

But back to Chuck....I was so in love with him. I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to have his babies. So what happened? Why did I change my mind? Why did I change it so many other times, too? This is something I have been talking about in therapy and something I really haven't gotten an answer to yet. I guess, with Chuck, I just didn't realize the true meaning of what I was doing. That I should have put someone else's happiness ahead of my own. I'm so sad remembering that. Chuck wanted to have babies very quickly. I did not. I wonder if I had just listened to him, where would my life have been? Would I still be with him? Would we be celebrating our 19th anniversary this year? I'm not sure I 'regret' anything I've done, though I do reflect on those things that I wouldn't repeat and wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn't done that thing or made that choice. I heard a quote somewhere that I love..."Regrets are mistakes I didn't learn from, and I learn from all my mistakes, so I don't have regrets"....or something close to that. You get the idea. I think it's a nice sentiment. Of all my divorces, I miss Chuck the most. And not even in a "I want to get back together" way....I just miss him. I miss me from those days. I was so young. I guess that's what I miss the most. My youth.