But seriously....
OK, up to now my blog has been just random humorous stuff going on....but I thought I'd post a few of the essays I've written over the past couple years. I'll warn ya, all of them are pretty depressing/sad/emotional. Hey--- I can't make ya laugh ALL the time :)
This first one is called "The Inspiration of Gavin" and I wrote it about my son.
The Inspiration of Gavin
In his eyes I see the future. The first time I beheld him, he was wet and bloody; his head misshappen, blue eyes just slits as they tried to adjust to the brightness of life outside the womb. His maiden cry sounded like a goat and he had a line of soft hair from the nape of his neck down to the middle of his back. He's six years old now and still has that "monkey hair", as I lovingly call it. I was never sure I wanted to be a mother. I've never particularly liked children and I've always been extremely selfish and self-centered. Where would a child fit into my life, I wondered. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I decided I most definitely DID want to be a mom- not just "have a baby", as so many women do, but I truly wanted to mother a child. My husband had just endured 2 extensive brain surgeries over the past year and he was a year sober- our relationship had never been better. To celebrate his new life, we created one. Gavin Tyler Hudson made his debut into this world at 8:39am on a Saturday morning in early April of 1998. My life has never been the same.
In his eyes I see the person that I can be. I've suffered from clinical depression for years, and have always seen myself as 'broken'. Naturally, I expected to suffer some degree of post-partum depression. I was wrong. There was never a twinge of regret, never a moment I thought "uh-oh, what have I done?". Gavin has enabled me to see that I am a worthy, whole, wonderful, unique person- not in spite of my mental illnesses, but because of them. The first time he smiled at me, he was a month old and it was Mother's Day. Those blue eyes already turning grey, framed by the outrageously long, black lashes; his button nose and ending with his pink, gummy grin. The Hope Diamond couldn't have compared to his tiny little newborn smile, the sweet baby lotion and milk smell of his body, the scent of the back of his neck after he awakens from a nap a little sweaty. When he wrapped his tiny hand around my finger, he also wrapped it around my heart. I have never loved anyone the way I love Gavin. I've struggled with relationships my whole life. I've never had a normal, lasting relationship of any kind: not with my mother or father or various step-parents, boyfriends and husbands. For once, I felt unconditional love and devotion for another human and from another human. I have blossomed.
In his eyes I see his father. His father before life and bad choices molded him into the bitter, sad, and hopeless person he is today. I see in Gavin a chance for James to be reborn and to live a life that we both wish we had lived: loved by our parents, accepted by our peers, successful in love and life. In Gavin, I see who his father could have been. When he wakes me in the morning, coming into my room, and softly stroking my face and saying quietly "Good morning, Angel Mommy", I melt. I feel supreme happiness, yet a twinge of sadness at the same time. I think this is the potential James had, this is who James would have been. I vow that Gavin will not suffer the hardships that have made James's life misery. When Gavin is hunkered down by his bicycle, "working" on it with his toy tools, concentrating intently- his little tongue stuck out to the right of his mouth and subconsciously licking the corner over and over, I see James at 13- feverishly working on his dad's old car, tongue doing the same thing. I watch them simultaneously-- Gavin through a 32-year-old mother's eyes and James through a 13-year-old girl's eyes. James has been recreated.
Seeing life through a child's eyes is refreshing. At 27, after 2 divorces and another soon-to-fail marriage, I was jaded. Until there was Gavin. Laying on a blanket in the sun in the warm spring breeze, he would marvel at a cloud or a flower or a bird. As he got older, I'd take him to parks, fairs, and museums just to watch his reactions as he would see a duck or an otter or a clown for the first time. I was relishing being able to witness the birth of a human mind. His innocent, contagious laughter tickled my heart and brought sunlight into my soul. He restored life to a hopeless and sad person- me. I've never depended on Gavin for my happiness, and don't plan to live my life over again through my son, but he has changed my life profoundly- I have evolved from flighty to sagacious. He is his own distinctive, magnificent soul. I never could have comprehended the impact he would have on me. At 32, I have finally decided to go back to college, and I am fighting my many disabilities so that I can be a person that Gavin will be proud to call Mom. I'm tired of "just scraping by" and really want to provide a better life for both of us. So, for myself- with the inspiration of Gavin- I am becoming a better person.
And now, at six, Gavin has grown so much. His blue eyes turned to dark brown (but he's kept those gorgeous, model-long lashes!), his blonde hair now a sandy brown. He doesn't smile ALL the time anymore. Being six, he has his moments of impetuousness, furrowing his brow and frowning and declaring "That's not fair!" when I won't let him play video games for hours on end or buy yet another toy-of-the-moment. This is usually accompanied by a foot stomp and crossing of the arms.Then I tell him I love him and he runs to me, laughing. When he hugs me, his head rests on my belly button. Right where his life began. Right where my life began. And I thank him.
This first one is called "The Inspiration of Gavin" and I wrote it about my son.
The Inspiration of Gavin
In his eyes I see the future. The first time I beheld him, he was wet and bloody; his head misshappen, blue eyes just slits as they tried to adjust to the brightness of life outside the womb. His maiden cry sounded like a goat and he had a line of soft hair from the nape of his neck down to the middle of his back. He's six years old now and still has that "monkey hair", as I lovingly call it. I was never sure I wanted to be a mother. I've never particularly liked children and I've always been extremely selfish and self-centered. Where would a child fit into my life, I wondered. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I decided I most definitely DID want to be a mom- not just "have a baby", as so many women do, but I truly wanted to mother a child. My husband had just endured 2 extensive brain surgeries over the past year and he was a year sober- our relationship had never been better. To celebrate his new life, we created one. Gavin Tyler Hudson made his debut into this world at 8:39am on a Saturday morning in early April of 1998. My life has never been the same.
In his eyes I see the person that I can be. I've suffered from clinical depression for years, and have always seen myself as 'broken'. Naturally, I expected to suffer some degree of post-partum depression. I was wrong. There was never a twinge of regret, never a moment I thought "uh-oh, what have I done?". Gavin has enabled me to see that I am a worthy, whole, wonderful, unique person- not in spite of my mental illnesses, but because of them. The first time he smiled at me, he was a month old and it was Mother's Day. Those blue eyes already turning grey, framed by the outrageously long, black lashes; his button nose and ending with his pink, gummy grin. The Hope Diamond couldn't have compared to his tiny little newborn smile, the sweet baby lotion and milk smell of his body, the scent of the back of his neck after he awakens from a nap a little sweaty. When he wrapped his tiny hand around my finger, he also wrapped it around my heart. I have never loved anyone the way I love Gavin. I've struggled with relationships my whole life. I've never had a normal, lasting relationship of any kind: not with my mother or father or various step-parents, boyfriends and husbands. For once, I felt unconditional love and devotion for another human and from another human. I have blossomed.
In his eyes I see his father. His father before life and bad choices molded him into the bitter, sad, and hopeless person he is today. I see in Gavin a chance for James to be reborn and to live a life that we both wish we had lived: loved by our parents, accepted by our peers, successful in love and life. In Gavin, I see who his father could have been. When he wakes me in the morning, coming into my room, and softly stroking my face and saying quietly "Good morning, Angel Mommy", I melt. I feel supreme happiness, yet a twinge of sadness at the same time. I think this is the potential James had, this is who James would have been. I vow that Gavin will not suffer the hardships that have made James's life misery. When Gavin is hunkered down by his bicycle, "working" on it with his toy tools, concentrating intently- his little tongue stuck out to the right of his mouth and subconsciously licking the corner over and over, I see James at 13- feverishly working on his dad's old car, tongue doing the same thing. I watch them simultaneously-- Gavin through a 32-year-old mother's eyes and James through a 13-year-old girl's eyes. James has been recreated.
Seeing life through a child's eyes is refreshing. At 27, after 2 divorces and another soon-to-fail marriage, I was jaded. Until there was Gavin. Laying on a blanket in the sun in the warm spring breeze, he would marvel at a cloud or a flower or a bird. As he got older, I'd take him to parks, fairs, and museums just to watch his reactions as he would see a duck or an otter or a clown for the first time. I was relishing being able to witness the birth of a human mind. His innocent, contagious laughter tickled my heart and brought sunlight into my soul. He restored life to a hopeless and sad person- me. I've never depended on Gavin for my happiness, and don't plan to live my life over again through my son, but he has changed my life profoundly- I have evolved from flighty to sagacious. He is his own distinctive, magnificent soul. I never could have comprehended the impact he would have on me. At 32, I have finally decided to go back to college, and I am fighting my many disabilities so that I can be a person that Gavin will be proud to call Mom. I'm tired of "just scraping by" and really want to provide a better life for both of us. So, for myself- with the inspiration of Gavin- I am becoming a better person.
And now, at six, Gavin has grown so much. His blue eyes turned to dark brown (but he's kept those gorgeous, model-long lashes!), his blonde hair now a sandy brown. He doesn't smile ALL the time anymore. Being six, he has his moments of impetuousness, furrowing his brow and frowning and declaring "That's not fair!" when I won't let him play video games for hours on end or buy yet another toy-of-the-moment. This is usually accompanied by a foot stomp and crossing of the arms.Then I tell him I love him and he runs to me, laughing. When he hugs me, his head rests on my belly button. Right where his life began. Right where my life began. And I thank him.
posted by Carey @ 4:28 PM
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